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[sticky post] You Wouldn't Think That Out Here, A Man Could Simply Run Clear, Out of Country, But Oh My...

Apr. 10th, 2013 | 06:15 am
location: Work
mood: thoughtfulthoughtful

I was a little bored today so I went through all of this. Judging by the dates, I think someone was holding me back.

01) January 14, 2007 Arizona 2:23:40
02) January 13, 2008 Arizona 2:14:27
03) January 18, 2009 Arizona 2:31:29
04) October 11, 2009 Boston 2:16:37
05) October 10, 2010 Boston 1:50:28
06) January 16, 2011 Arizona 1:50:19
07) June 25, 2011 Seattle 1:52:23
08) October 2, 2011 San Jose 1:46:40
09) October 9, 2011 Denver 1:52:00
10) December 4, 2011 Las Vegas 1:54:45
11) January 15, 2012 Arizona 1:49:54
12) May 20, 2012 Portland 1:49:29
13) June 03, 2012 San Diego 1:49:25
14) June 23, 2012 Seattle 1:53:39
15) July 22, 2012 Chicago 2:06:07
16) October 7, 2012 San Jose 1:50:58
17) December 2, 2012 Las Vegas 2:03:11
18) January 20, 2013 Arizona 1:55:49
19) March 16, 2013 Washington, DC 1:56:11
20) May 19, 2013 Portland 1:48:41
21) June 2, 2013 San Diego 1:50:27
22) June 22, 2013 Seattle 1:56:38
23) September 29, 2013 Providence 1:47:41

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Erasing Yourself from Somebody’s Life is not as Simple as Walking Out the Door.

Jun. 28th, 2013 | 05:21 pm
mood: melancholymelancholy

3 years ago today I took the day off of work to go to the dentist and see how I was healing after getting my wisdom teeth removed. I got the thumbs up that everything was good so in celebration I went to House of Cigars (then it was Stogie Cutters) and had my very first My Father Le Bijou 1922. It was an amazing cigar, and has become one of my all-time favorites. It was also the first one I'd had since the surgery. I sat in a nice leather chair and spent about 2 hours relaxing, reading a good chunk of The Maltese Falcon and drinking a couple beers. When I was done, I headed home, picked up Virginia and we went to the Texas Roadhouse for dinner before going to see Toy Story 3.

We never made it to the movie.

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On a Sunday I'll Think it Through.

Oct. 21st, 2012 | 09:29 pm
mood: tiredtired

I'm sleepy. Side effect from the drugs, or just life?

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Waiting For the Front Door to Splinter, Waiting All Winter

Oct. 19th, 2012 | 04:41 pm
location: Work
music: Drive By Truckers

So a little bit more about the "psychological profile" questions I answered yesterday. At one point she asked me if I had nightmares. My response was, "not in the traditional sense." Which is apparently not an answer she is used to hearing. She asked me what I meant by that and I explained that sometimes I have dreams about Virginia and that I'll wake up feeling terribly depressed because of it. I also mentioned that I'll have dreams that are good, and then I wake up and feel like shit because I don't think I'll feel as good as I did in the dream. She made some notes about it, but didn't seem too terribly interested in that. I was kind of interested to see if that was a common thing, for good dreams to cause depression. I'm just weird I guess. Maybe it was talking about Virginia yesterday, but I had another dream about her last night. It just sucks waking up and feeling like my brain is betraying me.

The question came up about drinking, and with actually saying she was concerned, she seemed to be very interested in my alcohol consumption. She asked me how long it's been since I'd gone a month with no drinking, and I had to think. Its been at least 2 years since I've gone a month without a drink. Is that really all that bad though, I've had many times where I've gone a week or even two without a drink, but going an entire month without a single beer seems like a big feat for anyone except those who really don't drink alcohol. Even very casual drinkers probably have a beer a couple times a month. She also asked me how many ounces per day I drink. Again, I had no clue. I'm no scientist. So I basically told her a bottle a week. Seems like an accurate assessment. She pretty much left the topic, but I guess we'll see if it comes up again with her or with my counselor.

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I'm Getting a Sick Taste In My Mouth From the Medicine that I Can't Keep Down

Oct. 18th, 2012 | 06:38 pm
location: Home
mood: apatheticapathetic
music: Jimmy Eat World

So my visit to the doctor was a bit anticlimactic. We talked for about a half hour and she wrote me a prescription for Lexapro and see a counselor for my depression. I've always been opposed to mood altering drugs, but if they help, then fuck my pride. I thought there might be more to say, but apparently there isn't. Tomorrow I start my drugs and in a week I should be happy as a clam. Right?

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The Truth Is, This Therapy Is a Jerk-Off. You Know It, and I Know It.

Oct. 16th, 2012 | 08:52 am
location: Work
mood: depresseddepressed
music: None

Thursday, I go in for my first ever real life therapy session. I'm a little nervous to say the least. I don't quite know what to expect. I don't even know if I'm going to see a psychologist or a psychiatrist. I couldn't tell you difference either. I hear one has a prescription pad and the other doesn't, but aside from that I have no idea what the subtitles are. I didn't even make the appointment, Mickey's wife did it for me after I had talked with her about my depression. We had talked about it a year ago and she had suggested then that I should go see her doctor and I said I'd look into it and of course I never did. So when it got brough up again a few weeks ago, she took matters into her own hands.

I think it'll be good for me, but as I said, I have no idea what to expect. Is it like on TV where they sit and just ask "how does that make you feel?" about everything? Is there an agenda that they follow and ask specific questions? Do I just walk in, get a prescription, and then get sent home? I guess I'll find out soon enough.

I have a lot to talk about though: Turning 31 sucked, birthdays in general suck as they are just another reminder that I am not where I want to be in my life. I was there, I thought, and then it went away. Dealing with that loss has been tough. Not necessarily the loss of Virginia specifically, but the loss of a feeling of stability and of pretty much just feeling good about myself and my life. My job is not enjoyable. I'm bad at my new(ish) role as manager and I actively avoid things I don't like which just makes my job even worse (I should be writing application documentation right now, but instead here I am). I found out recently that Virginia and Mark are getting married, which didn't really hit me the way I thought it should, but I still can't shake this weird numbness since I found out. I've kind of been checking her facebook a bit in the couple months since hearing that information. After 2 years of her keeping it completely blocked, her recent posts are no longer friends only so I've been able to see them. She seems happy which is good. She also seems sickeningly positive. Posting inspirational messages and daily affirmations all the time. It's just weird, I should be glad she's happy and a different person, but I am really just confused. Was she lying to me the whole time we were together and her entire personality was a fake? Is she really just a person who mirrors whoever she is dating without actually having that strong of a personality herself? Am I just that incredibly negative that I really was just holding her happiness back all those years? That last one seems like it should be the obvious answer, but I think I was happier and had a better attitude when I was with Virginia than I have ever been in my life.

Lately it's just been a colossal struggle to get out of bed, even on days when I don't have to go to work and I'm going to do something that I should enjoy like recording with the band.

Anyway, life sucks.

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Her Blood Is Thicker Than Concrete. Forced To Be Brave, She Was Born Into A Grave.

Aug. 21st, 2012 | 07:57 am
location: Work
mood: depresseddepressed
music: Frightened Rabbit

I've been more and more depressed over these past 2 months. These are also the only 2 really stressful months at work so that might have something to do with it. September-June really has no stress at all. In fact, my job is the exact opposite of stressful during those months. However, July and August (particularly August) the stress ramps up to obscene levels and I hate my life. That has always been where it stayed though. Stress. Now I'm in a full on depression. I'm sitting here in the Music Lab listening to the new Frightened Rabbit song over and over again while testing these speakers and it's making me want to just completely break down. I feel like I'm drowning here.

The major stresses of work will be over tomorrow. I hope I can start to feel normal again. I have been dreaming about Virginia a lot lately. I don't like that one bit. In fact, I fucking hate it. I feel worthless and pathetic and this shit needs to pass. Sooner rather than later.

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I've Got Some Figures and Facts and Other Clues that Help Follow Your Tracks.

Aug. 3rd, 2012 | 03:02 pm
location: Work
mood: busy

I did some facebook stalking recently. I'm not proud of it, but I just kind of felt compelled to. There wasn't much information to be ascertained, but all seems to be well. That is good I suppose.

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Music as People, People as Music

Jul. 13th, 2012 | 09:25 am
location: Work
mood: boredbored
music: Mostly, the songs I listed above

Like everyone in the world, I associate music with people, places and things. Sometimes it's a very specific memory associated with a song or album. Other times it's the lyrics that evoke feelings or memories of someone. And there are a few which are so general that there really shouldn't be a connection at all. I'm sure some of those associations will fade as time goes on, and I'm sure many already have, but since I need a break from the monotony of work I'm going to list some specific songs that come to mind right now.

Beware, it's long and ramblingCollapse )

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I Won't Remember to Remember to Forget You Forgot Me.

Jun. 28th, 2012 | 10:06 am
mood: Dwelling
music: Big Band Jazz leading into Modest Mouse

2 years ago today was the absolute worst day of my life. It still affects me everyday. Less and less, but still enough to fuck with my behaviors and emotions.

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